i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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