No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
