Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
