The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
