I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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