Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
