I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
