okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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