cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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