Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
