My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
