New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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