Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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