His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
