She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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