he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
