So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
