I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
