Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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