Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
