I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
