I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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