if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dignity is for republicans.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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