I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he shaved USA in his pubs
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
