I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm passing your future prison.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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