Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
