you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
