I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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