mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
