I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am midnight drunk by noon
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
