apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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