i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
