thus making me awesome and them whores
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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