We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
