I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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