It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
