My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
