I swear she didn't look like that last week.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
