Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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