all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
