Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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