Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
