I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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