So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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