im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
