Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
