u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
