he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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