The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
