I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
