my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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