there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
