Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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