I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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