I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
