i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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