Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
